We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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