Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
