I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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