I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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