my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
