who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
