my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
