Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
