have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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