fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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