if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
