I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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