i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
