On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
