Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
