Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
