i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
