I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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