I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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