I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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