i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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