so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
