Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
