The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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