she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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