put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
