I have surprise drugs for everyone
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
