she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
