I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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