dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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