What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
