I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
