So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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