i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
