what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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