I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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