the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
