My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
