I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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