His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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