overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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