It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize