She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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