my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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