I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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