Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
