Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
