Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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