so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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