i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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