I saw his package. It spoke to me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
