guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
