Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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