You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
