You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
