they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize