so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
