Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
