ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
