There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
