I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
