I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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